The poor kid has been
So here it is, the definitive Natey-Bear track list in the order it will be played.
1. The Top Gear theme music
In November 2008 we were in Tunisia. We were virtually the only Brits in a hotel full of elderly Germans and everything seemed to shut down at 11pm. As a consequence we had lots of early nights (11pm being 'early' in our pre-child days). The hotel room had a TV with one English-speaking channel and, for some inexplicable reason, it showed back-to-back episodes of Top Gear 24/7 interspersed with French adverts.
With entertainment so thin on the ground it is no wonder I got pregnant.
2. Dracula's Lament
New Years Eve 2008 and, three weeks after the BFP, it finally hit me that I was actually really truly pregnant. And bloody terrified. We watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, ate Chinese food, and watched Big Ben countdown. And I managed to cry all the way through all three.
3. I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
It was 2009, this song was everywhere.
4. Ghostriders in the Sky - Johnny Cash
This was the one song guaranteed to make Nathaniel kick me, lots and lots. He was a lazy little lump and would hide in there, still and silent, scaring me. Johnny Cash sure as hell woke him up though. We played this over and over again, it was during this that Michael nicknamed him Bear - a name that stuck and made it onto the birth certificate.
5. Rude Boy - Rhianna
He's always been an odd child and he's always loved bright, noisy things. These are the only reasons I can possibly fathom for why he'd like Rhianna. When he was small this song would cause him to go stock still, listening carefully. I can only hope he wasn't listening to the lyrics.
6. Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
Continuing his love of bright, noisy things the kid can't get enough of the woman he calls "boom boom baby". I think it's her likeness to an anime character that he finds so appealing.
7. Baby Got Back - Sir Mixalot
In retrospect I've let my child listen to a lot of wildly inappropriate music. He even sings this one FFS. To his sister. To himself. To his toys. I live in dread of the day he sings it at nursery or on the bus.
8. Gangnam Style - PSY
They played this at softplay a few weeks ago. The kids all froze, fell silent, and as one hive-mind slowly turned towards the bank of TV screens and began doing the dance (or some version of it). It was like a teeny, tiny flashmob.
Nathaniel loves 'Gammon Style'.
9. Let's Hear it for the Boy - Deniece Williams
Remember how I said that Nathaniel has the lamest of all lame mothers? Well I sing this to him. A lot. Only I sing it to him with slightly amended lyrics such as 'let's hear it for my boy' and 'let's hear it for my Natey'. Right now he's young enough to think it's hilarious when I dance him around the room butchering 80s music with my bad singing voice and not-very-creative made up lyrics. When he's 18 he's going to be mortified that he ever told me, through fits of giggles, that "this is so cool, Mammy!"
10. Mr Boombastic - Shaggy
This one has absolutely no Nathaniel related memories attached to it but it is the most important song of the entire party.
This will be the closing track. It will begin in absolute darkness, after the opening beats a spotlight will highlight a couple on the dancefloor - Michael and me. The proud parents. Dignified. Happy. Flushed with the success of raising a child to the age of eighteen without fucking it up too badly. We will then proceed to do a couple-in-their-mid-40's bump and grind dance complete with arse smacking and hair swishing in front of all of the assembled guests, most of them our son's friends.
To pay him back for all those times he embarrassed the hell out of us when he was growing up, that's why.
You can expect an invite in the post some time in July 2027.